Log in

Previous Entry | Next Entry

Hello fans.

Well, I *did* say I was going to start updating this again, didn't I? Yeah, ok, I said that months ago. But still, I'm here now.

Anyway, faced with a lifetime of singledom, and the fate of dying alone, my corpse only being discovered when the neighbours noticed the foul smell and flies gathering around the window, I have decided to try ONLINE DATING. 

Let's start at the very beginning. eHarmony. First of all, eHarmony makes you complete an infuriatingly in-depth personality questionnaire. I suppose this is where my problems began. The questions were *obviously* weighed against me from the start. "Rate your physical attractiveness", I was asked. "How often in the last month have you felt depressed/anxious/fearful of the future..." and so forth, and so forth, AND SO FORTH. Do I often want others to fail? Yes, actually, quite a lot of people, and quite often. So, I hadn't even started looking for a mate and already I was being marked as a vindictive, depressive, socially awkward bitch. All true, of course, but it generally takes people a few months of knowing me to work that out.

And then, after all of this, I get the following message: "We're very sorry, but our matching system cannot predict good matches for you".  I'm sorry, what?

"Unfortunately, based on responses to our questionnaire, we occasionally find situations where our matching system cannot identify high quality compatible matches, and this has happened in your case. Please understand that it is a result of our matching process and in no way reflects on you as a person or your ability to be in a happy relationship."

Well, I wasn't thinking that it did, but now that you mention it...but, all was not lost, as eHarmony had come up with a free 'personality profile' to explain my many shortcomings.  At this point, you might like to get yourself a cup of tea.

So, first of all, Agreeableness.  I am best described as "taking care of myself" - so, selfish, yes? Words that describe me: hardnosed, judgemental, demanding...this is eHarmony's way of saying "You're really a bit of a cunt, TBH".

"You know that you do best if you spend a fair amount of time on your own. Not that you are a loner, just that time spent by yourself is not wasted at all with you."  But, y'know, you totally are a loner actually.  I mean, really, that's just like starting a sentence with "I'm not racist, but...." and then talking about what lovely eyes the Fuhrer had.

Next section, Openness. It's here that I get described as 'middle of the road' and 'proper'. So, I guess if life was a record shop, I'd be stored in the Adult Contemporary section.  eHarmony's personality profile warns me that others might find me "too boring", adding: "don't be surprised if your solid values sometimes make people distrust you as an explorer, or if your flexible and open mind sometimes gets you criticized by people who walk away from the very same explorations that you find refreshing."

Wait a minute, aren't solid values and being open minded a good thing? Though let's face it, the Adult Contemporary section of the record shop *is* boring. Nobody wants to be the human version of a Norah Jones CD.  Anyway, the next secion in the profile was the one I was most looking forward to - Emotional Stability. Quiet at the back.

Words that describe me: too sensitive. You're not fucking joking, eHarmony.

"You are an emotional person. In some ways, we are all emotional; we feel joy, anger, sadness and fear; some of us more powerfully than others - and you more powerfully than most. Your emotions are closer to the surface, and your feelings more obvious to you than is the case with most people" - so, on the constant verge of a nervous breakdown, then. At this point, eHarmony could have added "You are often to be found rocking back and forth in the corner, carving patterns into your arm with a ceremonial knife". 

I can't actually disagree with this of course, but again, I'm not sure why it makes me impossible to match with someone.  A quick look at my CD collection confirms that there are indeed many men equally on the verge of a nervous breakdown. And they often have lovely hair, too.

"Undoubtedly you have met some people who get uncomfortable being around you because your feelings are so close to the surface. They may keep a bit of distance, especially around any subject that might trigger an emotional topic they are uncomfortable with. Over time, they might even stay away from you more and more." - tell me about it. Especially at bus stops and in supermarkets. God, *that's* awkward.

Finally, Extraversion.  I suppose we know what to expect by now?  Words that describe me: reserved, guarded, solitary, cautious. I imagine if eHarmony had more imagination, they would also have added "frequently to be found polishing your rifle for when the revolution comes".

"You are quiet and reserved to the extent that others might think of you as a solitary person. They may be right in some ways - there are plenty of times when you prefer your own company to most social gatherings. You'd rather be alone with a good book and an evening of leisure than at a party or a committee meeting or in the crowds at the mall." Again, spot on, actually.  Personally, I think I sound fabulous. Why in the name of sanity would anyone prefer to be a committee meeting when they could be at home reading a book? Seriously, explain. Do I need to go to more committee meetings in order to find my life partner? Is there some sort of directory of committee meetings I can refer to?

And so here endeth the personality profile. Don't I sound like such a winner? Haven't I set your loins on fire? 

So, having broke eHarmony, I now venture off in search of other dating websites in which I can find love without being told what a boring, selfish drama queen I am. 


( 8 comments — Leave a comment )
(Deleted comment)
May. 8th, 2012 01:22 am (UTC)
May. 8th, 2012 02:52 pm (UTC)
I tried several of those online dating services a few years ago, free and paid. Wasted money on the paid ones, wasted time on the free ones. Never got ONE reply from any of my ads.

I've since written those services off as shams.
May. 8th, 2012 06:29 pm (UTC)
Well, I've been getting replies, but they are quite frankly terrifying replies.

Edited at 2012-05-08 06:29 pm (UTC)
May. 8th, 2012 11:00 pm (UTC)
Well, you see, what they've done there is assume that everyone is as dreary and only interested in extroverts as they are.
May. 8th, 2012 11:30 pm (UTC)
Caleb Pheloung
Jul. 1st, 2012 12:08 pm (UTC)
I had exactly the same personality profile as you! How's the way it's set up?! Extraversion: Reserved; Emotional Stability: *words indicating that I'm not emotionally stable*; Openness: Too open.

I've had people on my back to try this for like a year,then one day when I'm randomly in the mood, I fill out a two-hour questionnaire to discover I'm simply incompatible!
Jun. 5th, 2013 07:55 am (UTC)
Same here. Also "We're very sorry, but our matching system cannot predict good matches for you."
( 8 comments — Leave a comment )

Latest Month

May 2012
Powered by LiveJournal.com